Snarky New Year’s Resolutions

Fitness blogs (including me!) are spending a lot of time talking about New Year's resolutions this week.  Are they even worth doing?  What makes for a good resolution?  The topics to cover go on and on ... So I've decided to have a little fun with it.  Here are some snarky resolutions; feel free to add yours! The Bar is Low ... Really Low
  1. I resolve to meditate once this year.  Say "om" 10 times in a row and you're done.
  2. I resolve to eat vegetables this year.  Yup, just vegetables, eventually, sometime this year.  Yes, the salad at Olive Garden slathered in high-calorie dressing counts.
  3. I will drink better beer.  Switch that Bud Light out for something more highbrow like Guinness.  You'll instantly feel smarter and more refined.
  4. I'll buy suck-in pantyhose!  Who needs to go on a diet?  With the technology they have these days, you can lose 10 pounds just by throwing these babies on.  Sure you'll be horribly uncomfortable, but who cares?  I mean we've been wearing high heels for how many decades?
  5. I'll have a staycation.  No one can afford to travel so why bother to try.  Pump up the kiddie pool and sink your tootsies into the water for an oh-s0-fab, can't-get-it-anywhere-else kind of experience.
Never in a Million Years
  1. I will achieve Marilyn Monroe's measurements.  Okay, I'm throwing this in because, at one time in college, I had Marilyn Monroe's measurements.  Height, dress size, bust, waist, and hips ... actually had a guy I dated briefly call me fat.  Boy did I lose him fast!  You can only achieve her dimensions if you have a similar body type.  Otherwise, it's not gonna happen.  Actually though, she's a much better goal than say Natalie Portman ...
  2. I'll lose 100 pounds in six months, aka "The Biggest Loser."  Be prepared for your friends and family to hate you while you ignore them and work out six hours a day (yes, that's what they do).  Also be prepared to live off of those same people who now hate you because you'll probably have to quit your job to do it.  Not to mention the fortune you'll have to spend in personal trainers, private chefs, and gym memberships.  A goal of 20 to 30 pounds is a lot more doable.
  3. I will start my blog and make a million dollars!  Okay, there's like five people who have done it, the rest of us just bumble along.  Me I'm doing okay financially but it's nowhere near a million dollars.  More like enough to cover my trips to a couple of conventions and a nice vacation every year for my family.  Start a blog, blog regularly, and then see how committed you are.  Making a living off of blogging is a full-time commitment.  Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.
  4. I will save the world and go vegan!  I'm actually a fan of vegetarian/vegan living.  I consider myself a flexitarian (eating small quantities of meat, but mostly vegetarian).  But you can't go from chomping on McDonald's hamburgers one day to embracing tofu the next.  It's a process ... you'll need to learn new recipes, new ways of cooking, and how to navigate a restaurant menu.  Be prepared to transition into your new lifestyle over time.  You can always start small with Meatless Mondays and work up from there.  It is eco-friendly and healthy though.
Alright, I've run out of snarky juice ... what would you add to this list?  Please have fun with it and no goal is too outlandish or too mundane ... please check out my companion piece and post your real New Year's resolution.  :-) Cheers, Lisa

About Lisa Johnson

Lisa Johnson here. I've been a personal trainer since 1997, a Pilates instructor since 1998 and the owner of Modern Pilates since 1999. I'm hoping to give you some good ideas to get or stay in shape with a healthy dose of humor and reality. Thanks for joining me.

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11 Responses to Snarky New Year’s Resolutions

  1. Dansull123 December 29, 2010 at 9:37 am #

    To the first #3, Guinness actually has less calories than Bud Light. it only has (I think) 95 Calories per pint and is one of the healthiest beers out there with its iron and mineral content. It gets less healthy as you chase it with Irish Whiskey and Irish Cream. MMMMM

    Whoa, whoa HEY now what’s with the Natalie Portman comment, she’s a hottie.

    I’d settle to lose 30 lbs, but would like to lose 50 lbs but have no time for working out, I just have to diet and fit in push ups and sit ups in between work phone calls.

    I’d be happy just to make enough off my blog to cover the cost of the blog and podcast, just hosting gets expensive.

  2. Lisa Johnson December 29, 2010 at 9:41 am #

    I know I really like Natalie Portman too, I had Nicole Richie but my husband made me change it! I totally forgot that Guinness has less calories than Bud Light wrote that up for a St. Patrick’s Day post a few years ago, thanks for the reminder. I have only done hosting via digital streaming on stickam and that was free but not very good quality and I had some ornery guests … your way is probably better. :-)

    and Dan the more time you make for yourself, the more productive you’ll be, I swear! Good luck with your weight loss goals, let me know if I can help. :-)

  3. Lisa December 29, 2010 at 3:47 pm #

    HAHAHA! Love it. I am a very snarky person so this appeals to me. ;)

  4. Kris @Krazy_kris December 29, 2010 at 8:10 pm #

    Ha! You call them snarky, but I would count them in Kris’s-progress-not-perfection-book! Geesh! I started not eating until 2 pm and made the commitment to eat breakfast before noon. I’m totally counting that LOL And I’m happy to say that I typically eat before 9 am – thank you very much.

    I can tell you what my resolutions are not. I will not run a marathon. I will not bench my weight. I will not start a compost pile.

    I may go to the Olive Garden though because that could count :-D

  5. Lisa Johnson December 29, 2010 at 8:15 pm #

    LOL, right Olive is in the name so it must be healthy! lol … just don’t eat the bread!

  6. Tara Burner December 29, 2010 at 8:34 pm #

    love it..especially #3!

    and while I dont have Marilyn’s measurements, I’m close so I’ve already accomplished one! but I have her build to begin with

  7. ragemichelle December 29, 2010 at 8:42 pm #

    I think a snarky resolution has to be the best kind.

    I’m going to try to stop rolling my eyes every time the guy who sits in the cubicle next to me speaks.

    Instead, I’m going to throw things at him.

  8. Lisa Johnson December 29, 2010 at 9:16 pm #

    Tara I know what you mean, my DNA just randomly has me about 90% of the way there.

    Michelle, I think spit balls maybe? that could work ;-)

  9. Coco December 29, 2010 at 9:30 pm #

    I love snark! These are great.

    I will add to Kris’s list:

    I will not buy/wear Vibrams.

    I will not take up knitting.

    I will not switch to soy milk.

  10. Lisa Johnson December 29, 2010 at 10:09 pm #

    Coco, lol!

  11. ragemichelle December 31, 2010 at 2:47 pm #

    Lisa. Spitballs. Genius.

    It will gross him out.

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