Fitness blogs (including me!) are spending a lot of time talking about New Year’s resolutions this week. Are they even worth doing? What makes for a good resolution? The topics to cover go on and on … So I’ve decided to have a little fun with it. Here are some snarky resolutions; feel free to add yours!
The Bar is Low … Really Low
- I resolve to meditate once this year. Say “om” 10 times in a row and you’re done.
- I resolve to eat vegetables this year. Yup, just vegetables, eventually, sometime this year. Yes, the salad at Olive Garden slathered in high-calorie dressing counts.
- I will drink better beer. Switch that Bud Light out for something more highbrow like Guinness. You’ll instantly feel smarter and more refined.
- I’ll buy suck-in pantyhose! Who needs to go on a diet? With the technology they have these days, you can lose 10 pounds just by throwing these babies on. Sure you’ll be horribly uncomfortable, but who cares? I mean we’ve been wearing high heels for how many decades?
- I’ll have a staycation. No one can afford to travel so why bother to try. Pump up the kiddie pool and sink your tootsies into the water for an oh-s0-fab, can’t-get-it-anywhere-else kind of experience.
Never in a Million Years
- I will achieve Marilyn Monroe’s measurements. Okay, I’m throwing this in because, at one time in college, I had Marilyn Monroe’s measurements. Height, dress size, bust, waist, and hips … actually had a guy I dated briefly call me fat. Boy did I lose him fast! You can only achieve her dimensions if you have a similar body type. Otherwise, it’s not gonna happen. Actually though, she’s a much better goal than say Natalie Portman …
- I’ll lose 100 pounds in six months, aka “The Biggest Loser.” Be prepared for your friends and family to hate you while you ignore them and work out six hours a day (yes, that’s what they do). Also be prepared to live off of those same people who now hate you because you’ll probably have to quit your job to do it. Not to mention the fortune you’ll have to spend in personal trainers, private chefs, and gym memberships. A goal of 20 to 30 pounds is a lot more doable.
- I will start my blog and make a million dollars! Okay, there’s like five people who have done it, the rest of us just bumble along. Me I’m doing okay financially but it’s nowhere near a million dollars. More like enough to cover my trips to a couple of conventions and a nice vacation every year for my family. Start a blog, blog regularly, and then see how committed you are. Making a living off of blogging is a full-time commitment. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.
- I will save the world and go vegan! I’m actually a fan of vegetarian/vegan living. I consider myself a flexitarian (eating small quantities of meat, but mostly vegetarian). But you can’t go from chomping on McDonald’s hamburgers one day to embracing tofu the next. It’s a process … you’ll need to learn new recipes, new ways of cooking, and how to navigate a restaurant menu. Be prepared to transition into your new lifestyle over time. You can always start small with Meatless Mondays and work up from there. It is eco-friendly and healthy though.
Alright, I’ve run out of snarky juice … what would you add to this list? Please have fun with it and no goal is too outlandish or too mundane … please check out my companion piece and post your real New Year’s resolution. :-)