5 Stupid Fitness Resolutions

Well it’s that time of year again and I’m supposed to say encouraging things to get you to be even more healthy next year.  I’ve spent the last four years going over ways you can make and keep those New Years Resolutions so this year I’ve decided the heck with that.  Let’s be snarky instead … so I’ve got my wrap up … Five Stupid Fitness Resolutions … enjoy!

I vow to wear leg warmers.  OK, so as I write this my feet are cold and well, yes I did just dig through my sock drawer and pull out my only pair of leg warmers (ok, I have two pairs) and slid them on.  Therefore I vow to bring back leg warmers as the ultimate hip fitness accessory … who’s with me?

I vow to try an extreme sport!  Hey, I’m not getting any older, in fact my window of youth might have already passed but that doesn’t stop me thinking I can do anything I want.  So I’m going to sign up for a Tough Mudder or a 100K ultra or maybe just start rocking climbing. No need to learn how in a rock climbing gym or anything, I’ll just pick up the gear at my local camping store and figure it out, how hard can it be right?

I vow to only workout in cute outfits.  Just because my face gets all red and sweaty and my hair sticks to the side of my head and people stare at me like maybe I’m about to collapse is no reason not to have cute outfits.  I’ll tally forth and buy those $150 yoga pants and oh-so-adorable cami and head to my local gym.  Just remember if you see me to look at my outfit, not at my face.

I vow to try the latest fitness fad whatever it may be.  Aerial yoga? I’m in!  Pilates on a trampoline? Sure! Running through mud fields with electric wires dangling to shock me? Let me at it! Pole dancing without looking like I’m trolling for tips? I can totally do that!  Whatever the next biggest thing is I’m gonna do it, even if it kills me.  (By the way, I didn’t make any of those up … they all exist)

I vow to eat only processed diet food.  Yep, I’m gonna load up on a bunch of chocolate shakes made with high fructose corn syrup and watch the weight just fall right off of me.  Of course it’s really only working because I’m only taking in about 800 calories a day and the sugar cravings will just about drive me to start chewing my own arm but I’ll look AMAZING.  At least for a week after I hit my goal weight before I start rebounding.  I’ll have to time the purchase of those skinny jeans just right.

That should be enough to keep me busy for 2013.  I look forward to seeing you on the trails, or the gym, or the emergency room!

Cheers,

Lisa

 

About Lisa Johnson

Lisa Johnson here. I've been a personal trainer since 1997, a Pilates instructor since 1998 and the owner of Modern Pilates since 1999. I'm hoping to give you some good ideas to get or stay in shape with a healthy dose of humor and reality. Thanks for joining me.

9 Responses to 5 Stupid Fitness Resolutions

  1. Tammy December 28, 2012 at 1:50 pm #

    Thank you for not leaving a traditional inspirational post. I loved your sarcasm!

  2. Nick December 28, 2012 at 4:53 pm #

    AHHH the 5th one hurt my eyes, the more depressing this is that I reckon some people are actually thinking like that and will wonder why/blame the food when they do rebound!

    I liked the twist on the post, definitely original, sarcastic and funny! Have a wonderful 2013 :)

  3. Lisa Mason December 28, 2012 at 7:45 pm #

    Best fitness resolutions post I have read so far. Keep up the good work!

  4. Jenna December 28, 2012 at 8:12 pm #

    Believe it or not, you’ll have lots of company with the leg warmers! They have been the latest trend in all my barre classes! I sweat so much in that class, I can’t even imagine wearing leg warmers during it.

  5. Lauren December 28, 2012 at 8:32 pm #

    LOVE it. Look at my outfit…not my face. hahahaha

  6. Lisa Johnson December 30, 2012 at 2:28 pm #

    Jenna, I can totally see the leg warmers in the barre classes. :-) Lauren, glad I made you chuckle L–

  7. Amber at Love, Laugh, Live Well January 2, 2013 at 9:49 pm #

    Love it Lisa! What’s sad is that SOOO many people think that number 5 is a good idea! Eat more whole, unprocessed foods people and really see the pounds “melt’. Not gonna lie, I’ve rocked leg warmers….for 80′s theme parties. ;)

  8. Stefanie January 4, 2013 at 8:33 am #

    Ha ha – loved this post and the sarcasm :). Maybe I should buy some leg warmers ha ha. So true about the processed diet food -unfortunately that stuff does fly off the shelves this time of year. Maybe this list will shed some light on that! Great post!

  9. Lisa Johnson January 4, 2013 at 6:30 pm #

    Amber I love my leg warmers … really, I’m so attached to them. L–

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