Well it’s that time of year again and I’m supposed to say encouraging things to get you to be even more healthy next year. I’ve spent the last four years going over ways you can make and keep those New Years Resolutions so this year I’ve decided the heck with that. Let’s be snarky instead … so I’ve got my wrap up … Five Stupid Fitness Resolutions … enjoy!
I vow to wear leg warmers. OK, so as I write this my feet are cold and well, yes I did just dig through my sock drawer and pull out my only pair of leg warmers (ok, I have two pairs) and slid them on. Therefore I vow to bring back leg warmers as the ultimate hip fitness accessory … who’s with me?
I vow to try an extreme sport! Hey, I’m not getting any older, in fact my window of youth might have already passed but that doesn’t stop me thinking I can do anything I want. So I’m going to sign up for a Tough Mudder or a 100K ultra or maybe just start rocking climbing. No need to learn how in a rock climbing gym or anything, I’ll just pick up the gear at my local camping store and figure it out, how hard can it be right?
I vow to only workout in cute outfits. Just because my face gets all red and sweaty and my hair sticks to the side of my head and people stare at me like maybe I’m about to collapse is no reason not to have cute outfits. I’ll tally forth and buy those $150 yoga pants and oh-so-adorable cami and head to my local gym. Just remember if you see me to look at my outfit, not at my face.
I vow to try the latest fitness fad whatever it may be. Aerial yoga? I’m in! Pilates on a trampoline? Sure! Running through mud fields with electric wires dangling to shock me? Let me at it! Pole dancing without looking like I’m trolling for tips? I can totally do that! Whatever the next biggest thing is I’m gonna do it, even if it kills me. (By the way, I didn’t make any of those up … they all exist)
I vow to eat only processed diet food. Yep, I’m gonna load up on a bunch of chocolate shakes made with high fructose corn syrup and watch the weight just fall right off of me. Of course it’s really only working because I’m only taking in about 800 calories a day and the sugar cravings will just about drive me to start chewing my own arm but I’ll look AMAZING. At least for a week after I hit my goal weight before I start rebounding. I’ll have to time the purchase of those skinny jeans just right.
That should be enough to keep me busy for 2013. I look forward to seeing you on the trails, or the gym, or the emergency room!